The Journey

Hide and Seek

Kim opened one eye and looked into the dark room. She reached out towards the nightstand and accidentally knocked her phone on the floor. As she swung her feet over the edge of the bed she reached down and swiped left to silence the alarm. Kim peeked over her shoulder to see if John was still asleep as she pulled a small item from the nightstand. She tiptoed to the bathroom and slowly closed the door, doing her best not to wake him. Once the door was closed and locked she stood gazing into the mirror for several minutes. She was searching for something in her eyes, or cheeks or her hair. She was looking for an unspoken confirmation. Kim didn't see it. When she had stood there long enough to get the urge to pee she opened the small package and pulled out the pregnancy test.

As Kim sat down the voices began to rush in. They were screaming the results before she even wet the stick. She struggled to hold on to the hope that this was it. This was the time she would be pregnant. Kim had started waking up at 4:00 am to take her pregnancy tests before John woke up so that he wouldn't see her cry each time the test was negative. After the first five or six failures it seemed he was more traumatized by her crying than the test results. John would hover a bit because he was afraid of how she was being impacted by the negative results. While she was grateful for his compassion she usually didn't want to be coddled. After the first year of testing, she just wanted to cry, be held briefly and then get on with her day. Lingering in the sadness too long led her to a dark place that she wanted to avoid. Today was no different.

When she saw the digital "not pregnant" she leaned against the bathroom wall and cried silently. She didn't wipe away the tears. Kim felt they had a right to be there and the bathroom was a safe place where she could freely feel each one. When all the tears had fallen she looked in the mirror again. Before, she had been searching for motherhood. She had been looking for something that said "mom." Now, she looked for wholeness and strength. She needed the reminder that in spite of her infertility she was a whole, beautiful, strong woman. It took 10 minutes, but she found it. She washed her hands and face, quietly opened the door and tiptoed back to bed. She had begun timing this ritual and knew it was about 4:30 am now. She snuggled close to John who casually put his arm around her as she drifted back to sleep.

Seek and Hide

As Kim climbed back into bed John continued to pretend he was sleeping. He lay still as she snuggled up to him and then rustled a bit while lazily wrapping her up in his arms. John listened as her breathing slowed and by the time she was asleep, he was fully awake.

About three months ago, Kim started waking up very early in the morning and spending about half an hour in the bathroom. The first time it happened, John thought she was sneaking to talk with someone on the phone. But when he looked at her nightstand the phone was still there. Kim would climb back into bed without a word, but he could feel tension radiating off of her. The next time it happened he watched her grab something from the nightstand drawer before going to the bathroom. When she closed the door he crept around to her side of the bed and opened the large bottom drawer of the nightstand. There was a Costco sized box of pregnancy tests and a few ovulation kits inside. John quickly got back into bed and positioned himself as close to his original pose as possible. His mind began to race. John had confirmed his own thoughts. Kim was waking up early to take pregnancy tests without him. But why?

John had noticed Kim becoming more distant over the last few months and wondered if they needed to take a break from trying. They'd been married two years now and had closed on their first home two months ago. All the while, they had been actively trying to get pregnant. He did everything he could to show his support, but he felt like nothing was working. John would fix breakfast and take her lunch on the days she tested. He was reading pregnancy and infertility books by the dozens. They had even joined a support group, but none of it seemed to help. Nothing curbed the darkening of Kim's eyes when the test read "not pregnant."

When Kim hadn't mentioned testing in a while, John assumed she was getting overwhelmed and was taking time off from trying. Now, here they were three months later and she was still taking her tests, but secretly. She had never mentioned a desire to switch to testing alone. She never told him something was wrong. She just went away, did her thing and came back to bed. He knew she cried because he could hear her sniffles sometimes. He wanted to go into the bathroom and hold her and tell her it was ok. He wanted to tell her that she was beautiful and strong and the best thing that had ever happened to him. John wanted to tell her that if they never had children or if they adopted or fostered it would never change how much he loved her. But he couldn't. He knew it was too much for her. She needed to feel her feelings in private. So, he let her. But John's heart would break a little more each time she crept silently back into bed. As he thought on these things his eyes moistened a bit and he took a slow deep breath to keep the tears from falling, then closed his eyes and forced himself back to sleep.